One Year Ago, this Manatee Was Sodomized to Death

Guess who's REALLY to blame!

I can’t actually tell manatees apart, but this might be Buffet.

Meet Buffet the manatee. A captive animal at Mote Marine Laboratory & Aquarium in Sarasota, Florida, Buffet is the subject of research as well as the first introduction many children have to his species. He’s an ambassador! He’s a scientist!

He’s a sex predator.

In April 2023, Buffet’s smaller brother Hugh began acting strangely. According to Mote.org, “animal care staff began closely monitoring him” and discovered him dead by late afternoon. A necropsy was ordered to determine cause of death.

Three months later, in July, the news broke: Hugh died of “high-intensity sex with his brother.” According to the NY Post:

A fecal sample collected from Hugh after the encounter confirmed the presence of fresh blood, but employees at the Mote Marine Laboratory & Aquarium reportedly allowed the brothers to continue engaging in “high-intensity interactions and occasional penetration” throughout the day.

“At approximately 5:15 pm, the larger male was observed penetrating the smaller male again. When the larger male swam away, the smaller male was seen unresponsive at the bottom of the pool. It was confirmed that he had passed,” the USDA said.

A manatee penis can be up to 38 centimeters (15 inches) long, which is now a thing Google knows that I know.

TMZ made this image. Someone got a paycheck to do this.

In Mote’s Facebook post about the incident, they led with their “professional standards and practices” and skimmed over the cause of death entirely, instead focusing on Hugh and Buffet’s “natural … mating behavior” and “mutually [sought] interactions” which they assured us has been “observed and documented… in the wild” despite this also being “the first time such heightened mating behavior was witnessed.” Even though this is totally normal and natural and no big deal, “the manatees were under heightened observation” by veterinarians; also, animal care staff made “an effort to redirect the manatees’ attention and decrease undesirable behaviors.” From the same post:

…There were no obvious signs of discomfort or distress such as listing, crunching, or active avoidance that would have triggered a need for intervention… Distraction rather than physical separation was chosen because separation has previously caused undue anxiety and negative effects in both manatees… Since opening its doors, Mote has always prided itself in providing the utmost care for all of its animals… And that is what we will continue to strive for — serving as a gold standard for animal health and well being, as we have shown throughout our history.

“Gold standard,” a friend chuckled to me. “Platinum, even.”

So you see, sometimes animals will buttf*ck their brothers to death in the wild. It's in their nature. It has nothing to do with the fact that these two were trapped together with no females. Sex may happen to make babies sometimes, but there is nothing weird about incest between brothers. And it's consensual, okay, we checked. Animals can consent. Yeah, one of those manatees wound up with a horrific tear in his colon, but that doesn't mean butts are for pooping. The manatee didn't say he wanted to be separated from his brother at least long enough to heal, so who are the veterinarians to assume he consented to care? He probably wanted to go into the void while his larger brother drilled his bleeding wound. That’s why he was so still down there during their last encounter.

Here is some commemorative art I found.

This story made my brain implode. It was all I could think about. It was all I could laugh about, because sometimes that’s the only thing you can do when picturing anything so terrible as a cute little manatee dying of anal rape. The group chat with my friends is now called the Hugh Memorial Anti-Rape Task Force. Hugh will be avenged.

Halfway through writing this article, however, I now realize should not harass Mote about this. It’s hard to see through their white-hot fear of being perceived as homophobic, but it seems that veterinarians were in fact smart enough to piece together that peens can severely damage butts, and they were trying to train the animals away from buttsex. You might ask, “Why not keep them in separate tanks?” Because manatees are social animals that can get lonely and scared. You might ask, “Why not release them into the wild?” Because, as with many captive animals, they probably wouldn’t fend for themselves very well. Finally, you might ask, “Why not provide some females?” Well, guess what.

Guess what.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, and the Manatee Rescue & Rehabilitation Partnership do not allow manatees to breed in captivity. Mote Aquarium was legally barred from providing a less dangerous outlet for these animals’ reproductive urges. Their choice was between anxious, depressed manatees and manatees with 14.5 centimeter (5.7 inch) rips in their colons, but they thought they might manage to achieve happy and healthy manatees if they could just distract them with fun treats. They took a gamble. There was really no option that wasn’t some kind of gamble.

This really isn’t the aquarium’s fault. This is the fault of my old nemesis, ho ho, I should have known all along: government. The same tangle of bureaucratic “not my call, not my fault” do-nothing offices that force pet stores to provide bowls of water to desert animals until they get respiratory infections. These guys are also very concerned that a manatee might give birth in captivity, so no boy-girl parties! Thank God for animal welfare, am I right?

Well, at least it’s all over.

But wait!

Mote continues to believe strongly that it is in Buffett’s best interest to not remain by himself with no other manatee companionship, and we’re pleased that the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services (FWS), Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC), and the Manatee Rescue and Rehabilitation Partnership (MRP) have also determined that this is what is in Buffett’s best interest. (Mote.org)

Oh lawd.

It’s gonna happen again.